Pro Cyclist Eats Own Bike: An Investigation
The algorithms are feeding us cycling stories from a parallel dimension. We sent our best correspondent to fact-check them, one horrifying, nonsensical headline at a time.
If your algorithm is anything like mine, you’ll have noticed a subtle shift in the cycling news ecosystem. It started with headlines that were merely grammatically questionable, and has since escalated into dispatches from a world where the laws of physics, biology, and basic human decency have been suspended.
Welcome to the weird, wild world of AI-generated cycling news. We decided to take it seriously.
[10:01 AM] Our first artifact comes from a Facebook page called ‘Pro Velo News Zone’, which has 1.3 million followers and a profile picture of a bicycle apparently made of water. The headline reads: “Tragedy as Tadej Pogačar Devours Entire Colnago Frame after Tour de France 2024 Upset.”
[10:05 AM] Initial thoughts: this feels unlikely. While Pogačar has a famously bottomless appetite for attacks, the literal consumption of a bicycle frame presents several logistical challenges.
A Colnago V4Rs frame weighs approximately 795 grams. It is composed primarily of carbon fibre, resin, and paint. These are not traditionally considered foodstuffs.
[10:17 AM] We have reached out to Colnago's materials science department for comment on the tensile strength and relative digestibility of their V4Rs frame. We have also contacted a nutritionist to calculate the caloric content of 795 grams of non-ingestible polymer. Pending their reply, we are proceeding on the assumption that this is a cry for help.
[10:28 AM] A new development. ‘Cycling Pulse Global’ (profile picture: a strangely smooth-faced Eddy Merckx) has just posted: “Jonas Vingegaard to Replace Entire Visma-Lease a Bike Squad with Flock of Genetically Engineered Geese.” The article claims the Dane believes geese offer “superior drafting capabilities and unwavering loyalty.”
[10:35 AM] This, frankly, seems more plausible. The aerodynamic properties of a V-formation are well-documented.
What is less clear is the UCI's stance. The rulebook is strangely silent on the matter of avian domestiques. Rule 1.3.007 prohibits “any non-essential equipment,” but one could argue a goose tasked with leading you out for a bunch sprint is very much essential.
[10:41 AM] Let’s workshop this. Key questions remain. Can a goose hold a wheel? What is their FTP? Are they subject to anti-doping controls? And crucially, will they be riding Cervélos or are they exempt from sponsor obligations? We imagine the conversation now playing out at Visma-Lease a Bike headquarters.
[11:00 AM] SCENE: Visma-Lease a Bike boardroom. A PowerPoint slide shows a goose in a yellow and black helmet. The helmet is clearly AI-generated and has three strap holes.
SPORTING DIRECTOR: (Pointing with a laser pen) ...and their lactate threshold is, frankly, astounding. The only issue is their refusal to wear the team-issue Santini bib shorts.
JONAS VINGEGAARD: (via translator app) Honk.
MARKETING MANAGER: I just don’t see how we sell this to Lease a Bike. Their brand identity is built around four-wheeled vehicles, not waterfowl.
JONAS VINGEGAARD: (via translator app) Honk. Honk.
[11:15 AM] While we were war-gaming the goose scenario, ‘Ultimate Bike World’ dropped another bombshell: “Mathieu van der Poel’s Shocking New Contract Demand: He Wants The Moon.” The article, which features a picture of Van der Poel riding his Canyon across the Sea of Tranquility, alleges that the multi-discipline superstar will not re-sign with Alpecin-Deceuninck unless team owner Philip Roodhooft literally gives him the moon.
[11:22 AM] An ambitious negotiating tactic. We have consulted the 1967 Outer Space Treaty, which forbids any nation from claiming sovereignty over celestial bodies. However, it says nothing about individuals or, more specifically, Belgian-registered cycling teams.
Is this the loophole Roodhooft needs? Imagine the branding opportunities. The Alpecin-Deceuninck logo, projected onto the lunar surface. A true global marketing coup.
[11:35 AM] An update on the Pogačar situation. The nutritionist has replied. “Carbon fibre has zero nutritional value and would likely cause severe internal damage. I cannot recommend this as part of a Grand Tour recovery strategy.” So, we can downgrade the bike-eating story from ‘Tragedy’ to ‘Grave Medical Concern’.
[11:51 AM] This is, of course, the point. These aren't stories. They're content slurry, scraped from real news sites, twisted into rage-bait by a language model that has no concept of cycling, physics, or what a human can eat.
The algorithm doesn't care about truth. It just wants to know if you'll click on the man eating the bike. It wants you to get angry in the comments, to tag a friend, to feed the machine with your fleeting attention.
It’s a ghoulish, parasitic business model that wears the names and faces of real people like a mask.
[11:53 AM] And yet. I can't stop thinking about the geese.
[12:04 PM] A final dispatch from the front lines of nonsense. ‘Le Tour Forever Fans’ posts a blurry photo of Wout van Aert. The caption: “Wout van Aert Seen Buying Cauliflower at Local Supermarket. Is His Career Over?”
The comments section is a war zone. One faction argues that only riders past their prime purchase brassicas. Another insists it’s a sign he’s targeting the KOM on the Col du Chou-fleur. A third, reasonably, suggests it might just be for dinner.
[12:15 PM] Our investigation is complete. We have learned that the digital information sphere is a polluted and treacherous landscape. We have also learned that, according to the soulless logic of the content farm, a champion buying a perfectly normal vegetable is a sign of impending collapse.
It makes you wonder. Perhaps eating your bike isn't the strangest thing happening in cycling after all.
Perhaps eating your bike isn't the strangest thing happening in cycling after all.